For the past three months, I have been putting myself to test - doing what I haven't done in a long time; talk to me. Before I start to write about what I've been thinking, let me thank those few significant ones who left me to the mercy of anyone but them aka alone. If it weren't for them, I would've never realized how much I had in common with my father. Now being common doesn't necessarily mean that I will do what he did or is doing, no. Instead, I will use it to our advantage. By our, I mean those around or with me for whatever purposes.
The first and foremost question that's been haunting me; What do I stand for? Being everyone's sweetheart wasn't my aim, nor was being everyone's enemy. Yet, I've achieved the both of these with zero effort whatsoever. I think it's because I don't want conflicts, don't want people to stand against each other, and also because I want love in everyone's heart. The result, as I've already seen, is devastating for me. They did what they had to do and left for whatever good they perceived from it. I, on the other hand, still take no sides. So, the question I ask today is; What do I stand for? In other words, should I be taking sides? It will definitely be contrary to the very meaning of my name if I start taking sides just because that person happens to be someone I hold so dearly. I cannot take sides without merit and it has already cost me almost everything.
The next question erupts from the previous one; Will I change? As far as this question goes, I think I've found a solution. You see, not changing because the other options won't work is a safe practise - not changing because I don't like to change isn't. Now if I put up things in perspective and see through them, change can be good. As a matter of fact, I need to change in a direction thats suitable to me. Maybe, thats what they call readjustments.
Then comes the ironic (because they said so) question; When will I grow up? I remember back in the 89s when my was mom telling me that I was careless. Back then, I had no idea what carelessness was and why was I being accused of something I didn't know a thing about. I asked her what it was and she, instead of explaining it to me, said 'you ask questions a lot'. So life moved on until 13 years from then that I finally realized what carelessness really was; that's the day when I was bombarded with responsibilities, real responsibilities.
So now I ask myself this; Will I grow up before it's too late, before they're to hit me with a hammer, before I'm thrown out of my own house, before I lose everything in a split second? This, my friend, has definitely got me worried.
|
10-02-2008 08:15 PM 
