<nuMb> - DesiTwist.com

I wish I could write about the way I am feeling just now
but you see the problem is
I’m not really f e e e e e l i n g
much of anything these days
and I’m like a blank slate
this steel wall
has been erected
between me
and who I really am
and I don’t have enough left of me to really care
there’s nothing left inside of here
no emotion
no heart
no words
to explain what is happening to me
falling deeper into this pit of mock-despair
watching the world spin beneath me
sucked into the inner depths of a hell I know not
but I am too tired to do anything to stop it
these stone caverns surrounding me are
locking
up my soul
and I am so afraid that I don’t even care anymore
I am a bystander to my own desecration
the lone wolf partner
standing by herself
watching as the stars fall beneath her touch
unmoved
uncaring
unmotivated
unnerved
because who can see such beauty destroyed
and not shed a tear for its demise?
I am an empty shell these days
searching deep inside this cavernous chest to find
nothing
solitary moments of adulterated joy
scattered with the pain of memories I’d rather not explore
but can’t seem to turn away
to ignore
and I am sick of not knowing anymore
constantly losing this battle
between myself
and who I ought to be
and finding that I am not even in between
I am outside
looking in
not feeling what I’m seeing
and I’m lost within too many sights and sounds
and meaningless words spoken long before
I knew what ignorance could really mean
and I don’t know what to say anymore
how to describe what I’m seeing
what I’m really not feeling
as I long for a break from this gold-plated nonsense
spinning wildly out of my control
before I even knew we were moving
because I can’t keep up with you
and what you’re expecting of me
and how I’ll never be delivering
just what you need
to make you
finally
p r o u d
of me
and who I have become
and what I will achieve
even before I make promises
to you and all of your needs
making do with all that I have here
your scathing remarks
your condescending smile
your cold connections
your monetary affections
and me
in all that I am
in all that I was
in all that I will never be
because I’ve lost myself again
falling into these words once more
pretending that I don’t care
when I know
I’ve lost it all