I wanted to come in here and vent..vent out my frustrations. Be it with myself, for letting me fall behind or at "you" for not realizing who and what I am all about after all these years..and still not seeing it. I have changed in ways that hardly anyone will ever understand - you have no idea how much it kills me inside to not be able to show that side. See, I don't know whether I'm scared or have just pushed you that far away from me. Maybe its a little bit of both. I know that you love me and care for me ..no matter what. But it hurts to know that before I open my mouth and let out any indication of a sound..I have to think and then rethink those thoughts in my head over and over again. You practically insulted me telling you about my plans for my education..before I could even let it all out..Yet you expect me to to be able talk to you. But I ask myself, 'How'? Especially when I don't hear positive reinforcements..but instead I hear..that I've wasted too much time [thank you...I know..really thank you..]. And thats why there is soo much about my life that you don't know about or ever will..It's crushing..I know. Thats another thing, I no longer have to fill you in with all the details of my life - you have to let go of those small details of where and when..you have to believe that I won't step into something that isn't right.
If anything at all..see that what's good for one person..isn't necessarily good for me. Let me do whats good for me, not whats good - so that the questions will stop. And thats another thing, you want me to be to open and honest with you - its impossible- you'll never understand. And if you do it'll be too late. I surely can forgive, but to forget?
read this..if not anything else
from the book preview of:
THINGS I OVERHEARD WHILE TALKING TO MYSELF
by Alan Alda
Deep in our hearts we know that the best things said come last. People will talk for hours, saying nothing much, and then linger at the door with words that come with a rush from the heart. We're all gathered at a doorway today. It's the end of something and the beginning of something else.
We linger with our hand on the knob, searching for words, but the best things said slip out unheralded and often preceded by the words 'Oh, by the way.' Patients can talk to their therapists for an hour, hardly saying anything, but just as they're leaving, they'll turn at the door and say, 'Oh, by the way,' and in one sentence reveal everything they've been avoiding for fifty minutes. Doorways are where the truth is told.
... Don't be scared. My guess is you're feeling a little uncertain today. That's okay; I'm uncertain, too. You're an adult when the leaders of the world are behaving like children. The tune of the day is the song of the terrorist: humane concerns inhumanely expressed.
... As we get older, the only thing that speeds up is time. But as much as time is a thief, it also leaves something in exchange. With time comes experience--and however uncertain you may be about the rest of
the world, you have the chance to keep getting better at the things you work at.
And that's something else I want to tell you as we stand in this doorway today. Love your work. If you always put your heart into everything you do, you can't lose. Whether or not you wind up making a lot of money, you will have had a wonderful time, and no one will ever be able to take that away from you. ...
It's a 'complex' world....
If we can make distinctions, we can be tolerant, and we can get to the heart of our problems instead of wrestling endlessly with their gross exteriors. And once you make a habit of making distinctions, you'll begin challenging your own assumptions. Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while or the light won't come in. If you challenge your own, you won't be so quick to accept the unchallenged
assumptions of others. You'll be a lot less likely to be caught up in bias or prejudice or be influenced by people who ask you to hand over your brains, your soul, or your money because they have everything all figured out for you.
I want you to be as smart as you can, but remember: It's always better to be wise than to be smart. And don't be upset that it takes a long, long time to find wisdom, because nobody knows where wisdom can be found. It tends to break out at unexpected times, like a rare virus to which mostly people with compassion and understanding are
susceptible.
....Life is absurd and meaningless and full of nothingness. ...
...life is meaningless unless you bring meaning to it; it's up to us to create our own existence. Unless you 'do' something, unless you 'make' something, it's as though you aren't there.
Do you wonder if you're strong enough? Sure you are. Get a little perspective. Look up at the stars swirling in the heavens and see how tiny and puny they look. They're gigantic explosions, but from where we are, they're just these insignificant little dots. If you step back from things far enough, you realize how important and powerful you are. Be bold. Let the strength of your desire give force and moment to your every step. ...
Move with all of yourself. When you embark for strange places, don't leave any of yourself safely on shore. Have the nerve to go into unexplored territory. Be brave enough to live life creatively. The creative is the place where no one else has ever been. It is not the previously known. You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. You can't get there by bus, only by hard work and risk and by not quite knowing what you're doing, but what you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover will be yourself.
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05-30-2008 10:37 AM