I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That
must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. -- David Bissonette

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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
him keep her.

-- Sacha Guitry

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Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get
in, and those inside desperate to get out. -- Montaigne

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After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they
just can't face each other, but still they stay together. -- Hemant
Joshi

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By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you
get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates

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A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives
and the wife takes.

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Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving
them.
-- Dumas

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The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is,
"What does a woman want? -- Freud

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The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him
love and he invented marriage.

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I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

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"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." -- Sam
Kinison

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"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than
electronic banking. It's called marriage." -- James Holt McGavran

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"The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much."

Colin Chapman

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"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt
her."
-- Rodney Dangerfield

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"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the
second one didn't."

- Patrick Murray

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Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.

Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway
light on.

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My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't
enjoy it.

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The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his
mouth shut and his checkbook open.-- Groucho Marx

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My wife only has 2 complaints. Nothing to wear and not enough closet
space.

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You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.-- Henny
Youngman

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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.-- Milton
Berle

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marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.



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Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The
thief spends less than my wife did.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can
have mine."

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A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a
millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the
friend. The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire".

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Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small
traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12
pints of beer and observed that 100 of them started talking nonsense
and couldn't drive...

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First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."