why is it so??.

[shalini_singh]

well i am here to discuss with u people something which is bothering me for many days.........as it has happened in reality
so one day a proposal came for my cousin she is about 24 years of age........and kind of healthy girl as one cannot say that she is fat she looks nice.....so the guys mother and sister came to there home when the girl came in front of them they just said

mera baita to bohat smart aur handsome hai uss k liyay to us k saath jachti hoi larki he chahiyay hamay

now this is only one example in front of me may be there are more in my surroundings the girls are rejected due to little bit dark complexion, some due to there heigh and so on

so my question here is this is what demanded by the guys or they are the mothers or sisters of the guy who are searching the best of best for their brother or son....and passing stupid kind of comments like larki to kaali hai, iss ki to height chooti hai,

and on the other hand i have seen another case as well, there is a guy who was not finnacially strong he married a lady who is disabled she can not walk and her right hand also does not work but she has brought with her a bunglow and a car , a full time servant and a huge bank balance......i m not concerened with how she looks like or she is disabled because she herself is not like that Allah the Almighty made her like that and it is an azmaish on her

why is this so that a girl belonging to a normal family or u can say upper middle or middle class family is rejected on the basis of what is given to her by Allah, she herself is not responsible for that defect and a girl belonging to an elite class is taken by hand why is it so??????

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[sikandar107]

Shalini your concern has got a point. But at the same time I wud like to mention that there are examples where marriages are fixed just at one shot without any hassel. It all rests within the mindset of the people who are involved in marriage negotiation. And I am very much to say that it is for the current generation to stand up and say that we are not the commodities for acceptance or rejection just on the basis of our physical attributes and choices have to be very much mutual. Yes we can have a positive debate on this. Nice topic Shalini..... !!

[heman]

thats society thinking by the large so you women should stand up for your rights and put an end to all this humbug.In this not only the girl but even the family should support the cause wholeheartedly

[Tulip]

Well shalini, you are right. This is happening a lot now. I don't know who to blame... It is basically our narrow minded thinking, we should look at a person's character more then his/her physical appearance.

[Atlantic]

well in your given examples, isn't it quite obvious? The cousin, is average person, from average middle class family, in other words normal. The guy's family is looking for faults.

The disabled girl is from elite family...so considering what she brought with her...i'm not surprised that a guy who is not financially stable married her..clearly it's for what she was going to bring with her.

However, for the average case... it's "jahliyat" or .....absurd. Bottom line: people are materialistically greedy....or affraid to stand up and do what is right and different. It's a practice that was used to be carried out in olden days of ignorance. Times have changed...but i guess the mentality has not. Same things goes with Dowry. Like i was used to watch this show on Geo, Shadi onLine..the guys would come to the show and they'd say stuff like..."we dont' demand jahaiz but if the girl's family wants to give something for her to use...that's fine with us"....like what the hell?! What else do you call jahaiz and waht exactly are you asking for by that statement? Really, miscellaneous personal items for merely girl's use is fine...but stuff like furniture, and kitchen accesssories.....it all adds up and is a guy's responsibility..after all, he's taking the step of marrying the girl, shouldn't he be able to look after her?
Things like this makes it so hard for the girl's family, all the unnecessary expenses and if the girls' family doesn't supply as per in-law's demands...she's going to be taunted for the rest of her life. I've seen it happen. The guy might as well marry the furniture for that matter.

anyway, coming back to the real point...yes, it's wrong to judge others on physical appearance. It's probably for the better of a girl to NOT marry a guy whoes family makes such comments and demands to follow. First impression is often the last impression.

[Tulip]

Rightly said Iqra but it's sad that we all have become a part of this society and these rituals. Even Parents are ready to do anything just to find a good proposal. It's pitiful but the truth.

[sikandar107]

well in your given examples, isn't it quite obvious? The cousin, is average person, from average middle class family, in other words normal. The guy's family is looking for faults.

The disabled girl is from elite family...so considering what she brought with her...i'm not surprised that a guy who is not financially stable married her..clearly it's for what she was going to bring with her.

However, for the average case... it's "jahliyat" or .....absurd. Bottom line: people are materialistically greedy....or affraid to stand up and do what is right and different. It's a practice that was used to be carried out in olden days of ignorance. Times have changed...but i guess the mentality has not. Same things goes with Dowry. Like i was used to watch this show on Geo, Shadi onLine..the guys would come to the show and they'd say stuff like..."we dont' demand jahaiz but if the girl's family wants to give something for her to use...that's fine with us"....like what the hell?! What else do you call jahaiz and waht exactly are you asking for by that statement? Really, miscellaneous personal items for merely girl's use is fine...but stuff like furniture, and kitchen accesssories.....it all adds up and is a guy's responsibility..after all, he's taking the step of marrying the girl, shouldn't he be able to look after her?
Things like this makes it so hard for the girl's family, all the unnecessary expenses and if the girls' family doesn't supply as per in-law's demands...she's going to be taunted for the rest of her life. I've seen it happen. The guy might as well marry the furniture for that matter.

anyway, coming back to the real point...yes, it's wrong to judge others on physical appearance. It's probably for the better of a girl to NOT marry a guy whoes family makes such comments and demands to follow. First impression is often the last impression.

Yes you are right. We shud stop blaming the society. We must blame ourselves for such situation. Society is very much is created by the people who live in the society. If we stand up and say NO to such evil demands and behaviour and do not succumb to their pressures, then who can force us !! Very well said - Kudos !!

[Atlantic]

Rightly said Iqra but it's sad that we all have become a part of this society and these rituals. Even Parents are ready to do anything just to find a good proposal. It's pitiful but the truth.

You are right Tulip. Parents are willing to do it becuase it's for the sake of their daughter...the pride of a family. The good proposal at the right time is not the worth of the argument. Besides it's a ritual...so it is anticipated. Yes we are part of it and it is true, unfortunately. But someone has to take a stand. It's the guys who needs to take a stand....girls will do it too, but the girl's parents may not consider it much because who's going to listen to her anyway...if a guy can set an example...i'm sure...it will give courage to the next person to do the same. There is no shame, no harm...it only gives you more respect in the eyes of the society. Sometimes guys have pressure from the parents..., to make the long story short...it's a combination of the families' understandings. Why dont both families share the expenses, make it a twice the joyful occassion.

in the end..it has to be someone among us...among the people like you and me. May God give us the courage and guidance to make a positive difference in our society. Amen.

[Tulip]

Absolutely. Guys and their families are the one who could make a difference in this situation. Even if a girl raises her voice on that then she would be instantly rejected. Oh and some people who just give dowry to their daughters to show off and to make an impression on the boy's family and on everyone else. They are the real culprits behind that too.
Anyway, it's a long debate. May Allah (swt) guide us all.