1. Tell them they must have the wrong number, only God lives here.
2. When they call back, tell them this is the devil's residence.
3. Tell them s/he can't come to the phone right now as they are in deep
meditation and may stay that way for days.
4. Start telling them about the wonderful encyclopedias you have in stock.
5. Start telling them your life story.
6. Tell them about your intense hatred for salespeople, then ask where they
live.
7. Reply to all their questions in song.
8. Ask for someone who can translate Pig Latin, as you speak no other
language.
9. Hand the phone to the youngest member of the house - preferably under five.
If no such person is available, give the phone to a pet.
10. As soon as they name the corporation they represent begin barking
relentlessly.
11. Start trying to give them a psychological analysis.
12. Demand that they refer to you as Dr. Chopstick.
13. Proudly describe what you found in your ear this morning.
14. Ask them what color underwear they are wearing today.
15. Describe your socks in detail.
16. Interrupt them repeatedly to describe the beauty of your new toaster.
17. Whiningly tell them that it is past your bedtime.
18. Midway through the conversation say, "Oh no Phil! You've done it again!
I told you that knife was too sharp! Where are we going to get the money for
another funeral?"
19. Ask them repeatedly if they believe in antelopes.
20. Refuse to answer any of their questions, as they may be one of THEM!
21. Ask them what they think would happen if you put a frog in a blender
later tell them they were wrong.
22. Ask them for their phone number so that you can call them back and chat
some more.
23. Burst into tears when they try to hang up and scream, "Don't leave me!"
24. Tell them about the time you got stuck in the doggy door.
25. When they ask to speak to you spend a long time trying to decide if that
really is your name and after you realize it is ask them to remind you of it
occasionally.
26. Proudly explain that they are the first person that you have spoken to
since you returned to Earth.
27. In the middle of the conversation start humming the Sesame Street theme
song, when they try to speak sound surprised and say, "Is someone there?"
28. Begin snoring.
29. Gleefully explain that "they" have come for you and that you are going to
a better place.
30. Start screaming whenever they say the word "that."
31. Say, "I am so glad you called, I have been waiting and waiting to hear
from you!"
32. Answer every question with the phase, "I like eggs."
33. Say "Don't you hate it when you get your tongue stuck in a door?"
34. Tearfully explain "It's you, my long last sister/brother!" as soon as
they identify themselves.
35. Complain to them about how outrageous it is that you have to take time
out of your busy day to breathe.
36. Start reading them some of your poetry.
37. Occasionally start singing commercial jingles.
38. Suggest that the two of you get together sometime and go bowling.
39. Go into detail about the government's plot to overthrow the universe.
40. Ask them what they would do if there was a dead body on the floor of
their living room.
41. Discuss what a wonderful world it would be if we were all born with
tails.
42. Whenever they try to get a word in babble on about how young people these
days talk way too much, and don't respect their elders. (Works best if they
are clearly older than you.)
43. During complete silence ask them if they hear that pounding noise.
44. Make loud pounding noises and when they ask about them say "What pounding
noises?"
45. Tell them to hold on a second, set down the phone and sing loudly.
46. Insist on calling them Mr. Spock.
47. Ask them if they will get you a birthday present.
48. Tell them you can't talk now, as you are trapped in an invisible box.
49. Beg them to dispose of your dentist, who is involved in a secret plot
that shall result in your demise.
50. Pretend to be an answering machine.
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