Tips for a better husband and wife relationship

Discussion in 'Love & Relationships' started by RAHEN, Apr 18, 2007.

  1. RAHEN

    RAHEN Team leader

    Tips for a Better Husband and Wife Relationship
    Although many Muslims may right now be in failing marriages and on a fast track to divorce and its terrible consequences, there are many ways to put their marriage back on the right track if the husband and wife are sincere in their desire to reconcile. The following principles can be used by Muslims whose marriages are already in trouble or by Muslims who would like to avoid trouble in their marriage.

    Examples of Negative
    Relationship of Husband & Wife

    Many Muslim husbands and wives treat each other like adversaries rather than partners. The husband feels that he is the boss, and whatever he says goes. The wife feels that she must squeeze everything she can out of her husband. Some wives never show their husband that they are satisfied with anything he does or buys for them in order to trick him into doing and buying more. They make him feel like a failure if he does not give them the lifestyle that their friends and families enjoy. Some husbands speak very harshly to their wives, humiliate them, and even physically abuse them. Their wives have no voice or opinion in the family.

    Marriage In The Eyes of Allah

    It is very sad that this relationship which Allah (SWT) has established for the good has been made a source of contention, deception, trickery, tyranny, humiliation, and abuse. This is not the way marriage is supposed to be.

    Allah (SWT) described marriage very differently in the Holy Quran: '. . . He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts) . . . " (Holy Quran 30:21, Yusuf Ali Translation).

    Do not be a Tyrant

    Regardless of whether or not Islam has made the husband the head of the household, Muslims are not supposed to be dictators and tyrants. We are taught to treat our wives well. The Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) was reported to have said: 'The most perfect Muslim in the matter of faith is one who has excellent behavior; and the best among you are those who behave best towards their wives" (From Mishkat al-Masabih, No. 0278(R) Transmitted by Tirmidhi).

    Be Partners in the Decision Making Process.

    Follow the principle of 'Shura," and make decisions as a family. There will be much more harmony in the family when decisions are not imposed and everyone feels that they had some part in making them.

    Never be Emotionally

    Never be emotionally, mentally, or physically abusive to your spouse. The Prophet (SAWS) never mistreated his wives. He is reported to have said: 'How could they beat their women in daytime as slaves and then sleep with them in the night?"

    Be Careful of Your Words

    Be very careful what you say when you are upset. Sometimes you will say things that you would never say when you were not angry. If you are angry, wait until you calm down before continuing the conversation.

    Show Affection

    Show affection for your mate. Be kind, gentle, and loving.

    Be Your Spouse's Friend

    Show interest in your mate's life. Too often, we live in the same house but know nothing about each other's lives. It would be great if the husband and wife could work together for the same cause or on the same project. They could perhaps establish a husband/wife prison ministry, take care of orphans in their home, or lead an Islamic weekend class.

    Show Appreciation

    Show appreciation for what your spouse does for the family. Never make your husband feel that he is not doing good enough for the family or that you are not satisfied with his work or his efforts, unless, of course, he is truly lazy and not even trying to provide for the family. The Prophet (SAWS) was reported to have said: 'On the Day of Judgment, God will not look upon the woman who has been ungrateful to her husband." (where is this hadith found) Show your wife that you appreciate her. If she takes care of the house and the children, don't take it for granted. It is hard work, and no one likes to feel unappreciated.

    Work Together in the House

    The Prophet (SAWS) is known to have helped his wives in the house. And if the Prophet (SAWS) was not above doing housework, modern Muslim husbands shouldn't feel that they are.

    Communication is Important

    Communication, Communication, Communication! This is the big word in counseling. And it should be. Husbands and wives need to talk to each other. It is better to deal with problems early and honestly than to let them pile up until an explosion occurs.

    Forget Past Problems

    Don't bring up past problems once they have been solved.

    Live Simply

    Don't be jealous of those who seem to be living a more luxurious life than your family. The 'rizq" is from Allah (SWT). In order to develop the quality of contentment, look at those people who have less than you, not those who have more. Thank Allah (SWT) for the many blessings in your life.

    Give Your Spouse Time Alone

    If your mate doesn't want to be with you all the time, it doesn't mean he or she doesn't love you. People need to be alone for various reasons. Sometimes they want to read, to think about their problems, or just to relax. Don't make them feel that they are committing a sin.

    Admit Your Mistakes

    When you make a mistake, admit it. When your mate makes a mistake, excuse him or her easily. If possible, never go to sleep angry with each other.

    Physical Relationship is Important

    Be available to your mate sexually, and don't let your sexual relationship be characterized by selfishness. The Prophet (SAWS) was reported to have said: 'It is not appropriate that you fall upon your wives like a beast but you must send a message of love beforehand."

    Have Meals Together

    Try to eat together as a family when possible. Show the cook and the dishwasher, whether it is the husband or the wife, appreciation for his or her efforts. The Prophet (SAWS) did not complain about food that was put before him.

    Be Mindful of Your discussion Topics

    Never discuss with others things about your marriage that your spouse wouldn't like you to discuss, unless there is an Islamic reason to do so. Some husbands and wives, believe it or not, complain to others about their mate's physical appearance. This is a recipe for disaster. Information about your intimate relations should be kept between you and your spouse.

    Many of us treat our spouses in ways that we would never treat others. With others, we try to be polite, kind, and patient. With our spouses, we often do not show these courtesies. Of course, we are usually with our spouses at our worst times --- when we are tired and frustrated after a hard day. After a bad day at the office, husbands usually come home angry and on edge. The wife has probably also had a hard day with the children and the housework. Wives and husbands should discuss this potential time bomb so that if they are short-tempered with each other during these times, they will understand the reasons rather than automatically thinking that their spouse no longer loves them.

    Good marriages require patience, kindness, humility, sacrifice, empathy, love, understanding, forgiveness, and hard work. Following these principles should help any marriage to improve. The essence of them all can be summed up in one sentence: Always treat your spouse the way you would like to be treated. If you follow this rule, your marriage will have a much greater chance for success. If you discard this rule, failure is just around the corner.

    By Ibrahim Bowers
  2. coolshoaib

    coolshoaib New Member

    these tips will come really handy in the future
  3. RAHEN

    RAHEN Team leader

    hopefully inshaALLAH...
  4. syeda

    syeda New Member

    very nice topic rehan.. really m very worried about husband n wives relationship now a days.. aur islam ne to puri taleemaat din hein k kaise husband wife ko chalna chiye.. yahan tak bataya ha k shadi karne se pehle kia kia steps lene chiye jisse aik acha rishta ban sake.. :) surah nisah aur surah talaq aur aik aur surah ha jo dimagh se nikal rahi ha ye teeeno surahs mein sirf husband n wife k rishte par naseehat kin gain hein.. auryaqqeen karein jo banda in teeno surahs ko with tarjumah parhle to uski ankhein khul jati hein.. :).. i'll try to post some of the ayat with tarjuma and tashreeh here :)

    abhi aik hadees yaad a rahi ha jo likhna pasand karungi.. ye khastor pe wifes k liye ha..

    "Abdul Bin Adhnah (rzi) bayan karte hein keh Mohammad (saw) farmate the k mughe us zaat ki kasam ha jisk haath mein Mohammad (saw) ki jaan ha k koi aurat us waqt tak Allah ka haq ada karne wali nahi samghi ja sakti jabh tak k wo apne khawand ka haq ada nahi karti"

    is hadees se saaf zahir ha k biwiyun ko apne khawand ki farmadari karni chiye.. aur unse behtreen salook karna chiye aur uski wafadar ho.. lekin khawandun ko bhi biwi k saath payar karne aur acha salook karne ka hukum diya ha.. biwiyun ki zaroortun ko pura karne ka hukum diya ha.. dono ko same hukum diye gaye hein unki rishte ki bunyaad par :)
  5. RAHEN

    RAHEN Team leader

    :applaud; for ur input..jazakALLAH...

    jab yeh hadith us zamane mein aayi thi tab logon ne bahut sare kaam chor diye thay...aur dil par un ka kabu tha...most of them could do jehad bi nafs for the love of ALLAH and followed the right path ...aur aaj bhi agar insaan issi marriage se related hadith ko na sirf parhe balke us par amal kare tau zindagi serat al mustaqeem (straight path) par sirf aik balke dono..lekin nowadays we follow/act/say wat our heart says...Dil chahta hai...and when one listens to heart most of the gets emotional...and this is when most of the unwanted things happen or u can say "self" can be defeated...

    if u r interested to read ghar ko janna banayen...then this is the link...Your post count must be 1 in order to see this link. You currently have 0 post(s)
  6. friendlygal786

    friendlygal786 Well-Known Member

    very good post sis...all the points discussed r important and useful in relationships
  7. RAHEN

    RAHEN Team leader

    yeah..yassi it is...:)
  8. dsjeya

    dsjeya New Member

    really superb RAHEN
  9. RAHEN

    RAHEN Team leader

    Thanks 4 liking...:D
  10. *Saira*

    *Saira* New Member

    Relationships: Built on love and power!

    "You always decide where we go," she complains and he retorts, "And you always decide which movie we see." Arguments like this are normal in a relationship. They are a problem only when they are not about specific grievances, but about power.

    "There's no relationship without power," noted Tanja Boeckling, a relationship counsellor from Koblenz. Influence must be mutual if a relationship is to develop, she said.

    In the words of the Berlin-based psychologist, Wolfgang Krueger, "It's important to be aware of these power processes and to overcome them."

    "Most couples have recurring quarrels," remarked Rudolf Stross, a relationship counsellor from Bergisch Gladbach. They involve mainly an exchange of resources that one partner possesses and the other lacks, Boeckling said. Classic issues are sex, money and jealousy.

    "To put it bluntly, the man buys the women a dress and then she sleeps with him, for example. Or the other way around," Boeckling explained. She said an exchange of this kind was basically reciprocal in nature: "One person rewards the other for having done something nice."

    The distribution of power in a relationship often has to do with who has made the greater emotional investment. "The partner with the upper hand is the one who can more easily do without the other," Krueger said, adding that women were frequently the more powerful partners nowadays.

    At the start of a relationship, men who often seek out rather shy women generally call the tune, Krueger said. Women, "knowing they'll scare men off if they appear to be too strong", allow this as part of the "coalition agreement".

    Women are usually more cooperative and only gradually become more assertive, Krueger said. Boeckling warned, however, that attempting to alter an established distribution of power could endanger a relationship.

    When a discontented partner unilaterally tries to change something, it usually turns out badly "because the subjective impression of who is more powerful can differ", Boeckling said. But she added that renegotiating the distribution of power could be beneficial in the long term. For that, a good conversation was necessary.

    But "it can be dangerous if the issue in question takes a back seat to who wins the dispute", Stross noted. He said that resolving disagreements fairly was as essential as tolerance and compromise.

    "In a healthy relationship there's a distribution of power agreeable to both partners" and not necessarily parity, Boeckling said. It could be perfectly all right if the role models of both called for the man or the woman to have more power. The important thing, she said, was that the power structure be stable.

    The partners need to balance their interests," Krueger added. "There will always be power disputes in a living relationship."

    Source: msnindia
  11. RAHEN

    RAHEN Team leader

    hmm...power...dominant...right...Thanks 4 sharing...
  12. mytonse

    mytonse New Member

    Excellent post and the other inputs likewise.

    A Must read for all people.
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